Well, I finally decided to use the internet for something other than porn.   There’s only so many times you can see women be degraded until you’re like, “well, I guess I’ll start a blog.”  For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Bryan Wilson.  I’m a comedian cellist, which means I strap my cello around me (kind of like a dildo), go on stage, tell jokes, sing songs, and continue to hate myself for your pleasure.

I started playing cello when I was 9 years old because my mother told me that playing an instrument would help me avoid getting Alzheimer’s.  To this day, I believe there is no better way to convince a child to play music.  Seeing as my capacity to envision the future went as far as the next time I would be having macaroni and cheese, it only made logical sense that I would want to start playing music at that moment to avoid losing my memory in approximately the year 2060.

But she’s a Jewish mother, so what can you do?

Once I started playing cello, it was immediately apparent  that it was the perfect instrument for me.  The cello is perhaps the saddest musical instrument, so for someone who has suffered from white guilt since he was about 4 and 1/2, it was the perfect fit.   I’ve always been a passionate player, it’s easy for me to get into a good piece of music.  That being said, I make, and have always made, some of the funniest faces while playing the cello.  It’s almost unavoidable.  When I get into the music, it shows.  I’d say my faces are somewhere in between ‘grandma just died’ and ‘I’m about to ejaculate.”  Hey what do you want from me?

I quickly learned that I would never really succeed at the cello because I wasn’t Asian.  But at least my parents didn’t beat me with a bamboo rod when I didn’t practice.  They hit me with a Gefilte fish.

That’s not true, my parents never had to tell me to practice.  I was a diligent student and practiced on my own.  Again, I enjoyed the emotional aspect of music, being able to say things through the cello that I couldn’t say otherwise.

So I did the whole classical music thing, which is how the cello is taught.  If you want to play the cello, you will be extreemmmeelllllyyyyy hard pressed to find teachers that will teach you other styles of music.  This has to do with the fact that the majority of the cello repertoire is rooted in the classical tradition, not in rock and roll or jazz.   I didn’t question this fact because one, I was young, two, I was learning the instrument, and three, the Bach cello suites are fucking awesome.