Tag Archive: comedy


I got a text message today from my mother that read, “R u sick? i saw your last tweet?”

Let me start with a little background information.  My mother knows that I am fucking crazy.  She lived with me for 18 years so she is well aware of the perversion, ridiculous humor, and self-deprecation that I am known for.  Nevertheless, I don’t need to reassure her every couple hours that I tweet, just how crazy her son is.

When she tried to friend me on Facebook, I not only rejected her, I told her to her face, “Mother, I’m sorry, I can’t be your friend on Facebook.  There is too much shit that I say that I don’t want you to see.”  I don’t need her to see me write, “I always feel awkward when I find myself sexually attracted to cartoon characters,” on my Twitter page.  That is not something a mother needs to know about a son.  She may have inklings that he may covet sexy black female cartoons, but she should never really be sure.

By the way, let’s all be honest here, I know I’m not the only one out there who would have sex with Princess Jasmine from “Aladdin.”

So I thought my problems were solved, my mother wasn’t my friend on Facebook, so she couldn’t see all the stupid shit I say.  Only today did I realize that I am absolutely retarded.  I no longer update my Facebook status, I only update my Twitter, which posts all my ‘twats’ (I mean tweets) onto Facebook and onto this blog.  I didn’t think to myself that, “wow, not only can she just look at my status updates on Twitter, I know she reads this blog, so she can just look at the sidebar where all my Twitter bullshit is recorded.”

That’s the problem with technology today, your mom can see who you really are.  But let’s forget about mom for a second.  Let’s say, hypothetically, that you reading this out there in cyberspace happen to be a comedian cellist.  Let’s say you happen to make videos with your shirt off explaining in detail how to act like a complete wiener while playing the cello?  Let’s say you are about to graduate college on May 2oth 2011, upon which you have to move back to the east coast and get a bunch of cello students to support yourself.  Let’s say those parents who recently hired you to teach their 11 year daughter how to play Bach, watch your video of your stand up comedy cello act where you talk about shaving your balls.  What do you do then?

You use it on stage and you pray to god that those parents have a sense of humor.

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It was 100 degrees outside yesterday, which precluded me from going within a five foot radius of any space without air conditioning.  Luckily, I had my cello and decided it was time for a new funny cello lessons video.  I called up Georgi “The Most Unlikable Man on Earth” Dimitrov and we got to work on a new video.  The idea stemmed from my concern for those vulnerable little Asian girls and Jewish kids who play the cello.  I once was one of those little Jewish kids, so I know what it feels like to lug around that huge case, always wary that someone might come attack you as you’re walking home after your orchestra concert.

So how can you defend yourself if you play the cello?

This question demanded an answer, so Georgi and I got to work on writing a rap that would put every young cellist’s mind at ease.  Watch the video to learn more about how to protect yourself if you play cello, at youtube.com/watch?v=FP2Nh3UF7LE.