A very close friend of mine explained to me the predicament he is currently facing, so I decided to share it with you guys.  He’s a Jewish guy my age, but I would like him to remain anonymous, so let’s call him Raekwon Schwartz.

Raekwon is a very good looking guy; tall, lean, athletic, a great smile.  He’s quite intelligent, from a good family, a real genuine person.

Alas, he has never been laid.

Now there is nothing wrong with that at all, I love the guy to death.  The right woman/opportunity just has not arisen yet in his life.  But Raekwon knows it’s time to start up the locomotive and start running the train on some hos.  (Those are my words not his, he wouldn’t say that).

This past summer, he started ‘courting’ (I love that word) a good looking girl that goes to his school.  From what he tells me, things seem to be going pretty damn well, she’s into him, he’s into her, and it might be getting to that time to take things to the next level.

In addition to this summer coursthip, Raekwon developed a cyst in his rectum.  Yes, I know, quite nasty.  At first, he decided to tough it out, but eventually he schlepped to the doctor, who advised him to have it removed.

So about a week ago, he underwent invasive surgery in which a cyst was removed from his ass.  The surgery was successful, but at the end of the consultation the doctor advised Raekwon on a couple of things; no heavy lifting and NO SEX for 3 months.

Now in the past, Raekwon couldn’t have given a shit (no pun intended) about the sex because he wasn’t getting any to begin with.  His steady diet of pornography, though not satisfying, was at least keeping him functional as a human being.

But the tables have turned.  Raekwon’s courtship may have led him to the perfect opportunity to lose his virginity.  Things are up in the air, but this is how I see things playing out.

I wrote you guys a little skit on how Raekwon’s future may turn out.

Raekwon and his girl are lying on his dorm room bed, both naked.  The lights are out, Al Green plays in the background.

GIRL:  Hey, Raekwon, I really like you.  I…I want to take this relationship further.

RAEKWON: (Shiftily, a bit hesitant)  Look, I really like you too and I totally think we should go further with this.  It’s just that…(he looks away)… I

GIRL: What is it?

RAEKWON:  I…I just can’t have sex with you.

GIRL: (Taken aback) Why?  Don’t you like me?

RAEKWON: Of course I do!  I like you a lot, it’s just that…I’m not supposed to have sex yet.

GIRL:  (half-joking, but a little serious) What are you a fucking mormon?

RAEKWON:  Of course I’m not a mormon, look at my dick!  (exasperated)

GIRL:  I’m just kidding, what is the problem then?

RAEKWON:  Well, you see, it’s like…(fumbling over his words)…I…Oh fuck it, the truth is I had surgery to remove a large cyst from my asshole.

GIRL:  (Shocked)  What?!

RAEKWON:  (A little annoyed) Yes, I know.  The doctor said I shouldn’t have sex for 3 months.  It’s been 16 days so far.

GIRL:  Oh my god, I didn’t know!  (She thinks about it for a second, and scrunches up her face) That’s pretty disgusting, actually.

RAEKWON: I know….(feeling dejected).  But I’m totally fine, I feel fine, nothing’s wrong with me.  I don’t think 3 months really means 3 months, it’s like a precaution.

GIRL: I don’t know…

RAEKWON: You know what?  Fuck it, let’s have sex, what’s the worst that could happen right?   I feel great when I’m with you!

GIRL: I don’t know, (uneasy), are you sure you are going to be okay?  I don’t want to…to hurt you.

RAEKWON: (thoroughly embarrased, but faking conidence)  I’ll be fine, trust me.
They begin to have sex, she ignorant to the fact that this is his first time.  Things start to heat up, heavy thrusting ensues, and all of a sudden, a blood vessel pops in Raekwon’s rectum and blood begins gushing all over the girl and the bed.  The girl screams and runs for her phone to call 9-1-1.  Raekwon falls on the bed, totally conscious and cognizant of what’s going on, but so thoroughly embarrassed he wishes he weren’t.  The ambulance comes, picks him up, and takes him to the hospital.  His parents fly out immediately to come see him and he has to explain what happened.

The moral of the story?

He got laid.