Incompetence

Over the past couple of years I’ve become acutely aware of the fact that I lack a great deal of common know how.  I’ve always excelled at school, at one point in my life I could even do Vector Calculus, but when it comes to simple tasks such as folding my clothes without getting them wrinkled, I’m about as useful as a porn magazines for Stevie Wonder.

I simply lack skills that most people don’t even think twice about.  For example, yesterday I was bartending at my school for an art event.  I was provided with 4 bottles of wine from Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman (their daughter goes to my school and was presenting some of her artwork).  Now I had these four bottles of wine to open and honestly, I don’t remember the last time I’ve ever performed this task.  I don’t know the difference between Merlot or Savignon or Grape Juice.  I’m not cultured like that.  Give me a damn long island iced tea or a Blue Moon and let me cry myself to sleep after eating about 8 bowls of cereal.

Anyway…I had my faithful bartending friend, Calvin, thoroughly demonstrate how to open open a bottle of wine, TWICE.  He handed me the wine opener and there I went, smushing the corkscrew so ineptly into the cork it began to look like it had gone through a wood chipper.  After I had finally gotten the screw into the depth of the cork, I began pulling with all of my Jewish strength away from the bottle.  I looked like a guy who got his dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap.

My other friend, Jaoquin, who wasn’t even a bartender, noticed my shining retardation and pushed me aside.  He set the small curved metal apparatus of the wine opener on the bottle’s lip, then used LEVERAGE to simply slide the cork out, all of which required the strength and ingenuity of an 8 year old.  I looked at him sheepishly and thought to myself, “Wow, Bryan, great job!”

I then poured a glass of white wine for a customer which was filled little chunks of cork floating around in her drink.

But I don’t even think she noticed, so fuck it.

African Dancing Like a Jew

Today was the second of two master classes I attended led by a Yoruban talking drum master and his wife.  In the first class, the drum master spoke for an hour about his life and how he became a drummer.  Of his lecture I understood about 4% of what he was actually saying because his accent was so thick I felt like I had peanut butter in my ears.  We were then schooled on how to play the patterns on each drum and were brought up in groups to try them out.  I was in one of the last groups to try the drums, so I had a chance to watch at least 10 groups do the same thing, and I still managed to fuck up a pattern that involved all of two hits.

This week was all about Yoruban dancing, which I was pretty excited about considering I was once received the glowing accolade, “wow, your moves are so corny!” from a girl I was dancing with in a New York City bar.  My skilled moves originate from my rigorous training as a Bar Mitzvah dance floor maven back when I was 12 and 13 years old.  If you had given me a couple of Shirley Temples back in the day, I would rock the shit out of Hava Nagila on the dance floor.

So I came prepared to dance my ass off today and that’s exactly what I did.  Within about five minutes of thrusting my hips backward, pushing my chest forward, and waving my arms in the air kind of like a chicken, I was dripping with sweat and ready to pass out.  Nevertheless, I persevered through my complete and utter lack of cardiovascular stamina and was glad I did, because I came upon my new favorite dance move.

The ‘put on your pants’ move.

The drum master’s wife explained many of the dance moves in terms of daily activities, like ‘plant the seed,’ ‘chop the tree,’ ‘beat your wife.’

Juuuusttt kidding.  This isn’t redneck line dancing, wives stay bruise free!

So my new favorite dance move, “put on your pants,” looks exactly like it sounds.  You keep your torso straight and mime putting on your fresh new pair of green Hammer pants.   I’m definitely taking “put on your pants” to the club and using it to dance with black girls.

“Hey, check this out!  Check out how cultured I am!  Please make out with me!”

I’m pretty certain this will work.

The drum master’s wife was a very cool lady and explained to us that the dance we were performing was about loving yourself.  She told us you have to love yourself no matter how much money you have, your social status, if you are Jewish, etc.

She’s obviously never been Jewish.

 

Funny Cello Lessons Video Number 3!

It was 100 degrees outside yesterday, which precluded me from going within a five foot radius of any space without air conditioning.  Luckily, I had my cello and decided it was time for a new funny cello lessons video.  I called up Georgi “The Most Unlikable Man on Earth” Dimitrov and we got to work on a new video.  The idea stemmed from my concern for those vulnerable little Asian girls and Jewish kids who play the cello.  I once was one of those little Jewish kids, so I know what it feels like to lug around that huge case, always wary that someone might come attack you as you’re walking home after your orchestra concert.

So how can you defend yourself if you play the cello?

This question demanded an answer, so Georgi and I got to work on writing a rap that would put every young cellist’s mind at ease.  Watch the video to learn more about how to protect yourself if you play cello, at youtube.com/watch?v=FP2Nh3UF7LE.

The Man Who Will Never Get Laid

A very close friend of mine explained to me the predicament he is currently facing, so I decided to share it with you guys.  He’s a Jewish guy my age, but I would like him to remain anonymous, so let’s call him Raekwon Schwartz.

Raekwon is a very good looking guy; tall, lean, athletic, a great smile.  He’s quite intelligent, from a good family, a real genuine person.

Alas, he has never been laid.

Now there is nothing wrong with that at all, I love the guy to death.  The right woman/opportunity just has not arisen yet in his life.  But Raekwon knows it’s time to start up the locomotive and start running the train on some hos.  (Those are my words not his, he wouldn’t say that).

This past summer, he started ‘courting’ (I love that word) a good looking girl that goes to his school.  From what he tells me, things seem to be going pretty damn well, she’s into him, he’s into her, and it might be getting to that time to take things to the next level.

In addition to this summer coursthip, Raekwon developed a cyst in his rectum.  Yes, I know, quite nasty.  At first, he decided to tough it out, but eventually he schlepped to the doctor, who advised him to have it removed.

So about a week ago, he underwent invasive surgery in which a cyst was removed from his ass.  The surgery was successful, but at the end of the consultation the doctor advised Raekwon on a couple of things; no heavy lifting and NO SEX for 3 months.

Now in the past, Raekwon couldn’t have given a shit (no pun intended) about the sex because he wasn’t getting any to begin with.  His steady diet of pornography, though not satisfying, was at least keeping him functional as a human being.

But the tables have turned.  Raekwon’s courtship may have led him to the perfect opportunity to lose his virginity.  Things are up in the air, but this is how I see things playing out.

I wrote you guys a little skit on how Raekwon’s future may turn out.

Raekwon and his girl are lying on his dorm room bed, both naked.  The lights are out, Al Green plays in the background.

GIRL:  Hey, Raekwon, I really like you.  I…I want to take this relationship further.

RAEKWON: (Shiftily, a bit hesitant)  Look, I really like you too and I totally think we should go further with this.  It’s just that…(he looks away)… I

GIRL: What is it?

RAEKWON:  I…I just can’t have sex with you.

GIRL: (Taken aback) Why?  Don’t you like me?

RAEKWON: Of course I do!  I like you a lot, it’s just that…I’m not supposed to have sex yet.

GIRL:  (half-joking, but a little serious) What are you a fucking mormon?

RAEKWON:  Of course I’m not a mormon, look at my dick!  (exasperated)

GIRL:  I’m just kidding, what is the problem then?

RAEKWON:  Well, you see, it’s like…(fumbling over his words)…I…Oh fuck it, the truth is I had surgery to remove a large cyst from my asshole.

GIRL:  (Shocked)  What?!

RAEKWON:  (A little annoyed) Yes, I know.  The doctor said I shouldn’t have sex for 3 months.  It’s been 16 days so far.

GIRL:  Oh my god, I didn’t know!  (She thinks about it for a second, and scrunches up her face) That’s pretty disgusting, actually.

RAEKWON: I know….(feeling dejected).  But I’m totally fine, I feel fine, nothing’s wrong with me.  I don’t think 3 months really means 3 months, it’s like a precaution.

GIRL: I don’t know…

RAEKWON: You know what?  Fuck it, let’s have sex, what’s the worst that could happen right?   I feel great when I’m with you!

GIRL: I don’t know, (uneasy), are you sure you are going to be okay?  I don’t want to…to hurt you.

RAEKWON: (thoroughly embarrased, but faking conidence)  I’ll be fine, trust me.
They begin to have sex, she ignorant to the fact that this is his first time.  Things start to heat up, heavy thrusting ensues, and all of a sudden, a blood vessel pops in Raekwon’s rectum and blood begins gushing all over the girl and the bed.  The girl screams and runs for her phone to call 9-1-1.  Raekwon falls on the bed, totally conscious and cognizant of what’s going on, but so thoroughly embarrassed he wishes he weren’t.  The ambulance comes, picks him up, and takes him to the hospital.  His parents fly out immediately to come see him and he has to explain what happened.

The moral of the story?

He got laid.